so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
