I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Holy sore nipples Batman
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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