Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
