I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize