I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
