She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We had sex on a dog bed..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
