The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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