I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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