I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
