dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
