Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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