The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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