If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
