All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
