How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
