me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
