Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
