Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
