Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
