please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
