4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
