If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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