I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
