you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
