ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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