i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
