if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
