I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
