Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
