ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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