He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
