So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
