My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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