I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
