its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
