I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
