So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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