My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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