i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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