I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
