if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im six kinds of drunk right now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
