Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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