Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
