so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
where are you?
Hypothermia
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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