Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
