Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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