If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
