now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
