I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
