i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
