ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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