She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
