nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i think my cat just said my name.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
