Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
