i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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